How does it feel to have a normal life?

Call your mum. Your bro is in the precinct jail. Since Saturday night.

Why?

Oh I can't explain the whole thing. Just call her. She is not emotional at all. I think she is keeping everything inside. She will burst if she continues like that.

Ok. I will call her now.

I was thinking hard. How do I call her and make her tell me these things without letting her know I am aware of it?

Hello, Ma. Sorry about yesterday. My flight was delayed. So I came back really late.

You were away for days and not even one phone call!

I am sorry.

Oh nevermind. So many things happened in those few days. Your brother has been locked up. Since Saturday night. The police came and handcuffed him away. I am not going to care this time. You hear me? I don't care anymore. I didn't even go see him. Until this morning when dad's friend beg me to. Why should I? I am not praying for him either. Let him be. Let him feel it.

She sounds angry.

What is the story this time? Oh... that... Well you know what? I think he deserves it. It's karma. I believe in it. He should too. We don't get away all the time if we are not good people. That is what I think.

Ya. Let him stay there for some time. He needs to learn on his own. We can't keep rescuing him. You know that place is really new and clean? I went there, and they were very fast. I just gave them my name and the person I want to see, in half an hour, they escorted him out. If it was the old place... takes a full day and you don't even get to see his shadow. Just keep telling you to wait. Apparently visitors can bring food for them. I saw the rest of the families came with food. I did not. I asked but he said he is getting meals. So I guess it's ok. The hearing keeps getting delayed. One moment they said it's on the 7th, then the next it's on the 20th. They just looking for an empty slot for him.

Ok.

I didn't ask her how she felt because I can guess. She is angry and disappointed. She has given up on him.

Oh. I have an incoming call. Talk to you later, alright?


This is our lives. This is how drama it is. We've learned to become very detached, emotionless because we have to deal with it. But it's not fair, is it?
Why don't I have a normal life? Why can't I just have a normal life?
And why can't I cry? This is huge. This is bad. And I can't cry. I am not able to cry when things get seriously fucked up. I'm just calm and logical. And I do what I have to do. I become a robot. I am not even sad. Luigi asked me if I am sad. I said no. I don't expect anything less from him.

But why don't I feel anything? I don't feel sad. I just don't feel anything! Strange thoughts came to my head. Like I am glad he has so many tattoos because he is such a pretty boy without them. Pretty boys don't last in the cell. Pretty boys become their play things. Pretty boys get raped.

Why's everyone so shocked and more emotional than me? I just don't get it. Luckily I can still cry. At stupid, useless things.
If I don't, I am most probably a real robot and I don't think I like the thought of that at all.

I thought about how we were as kids. Where did it start to go wrong? Sometimes, just sometimes, I feel like walking in front of a car. I am not suicidal or anything. I just feel numb. But then the thought of my mum being sad stop me from doing that. So I just continue with this numbness and crying over small things.
Oh... and I torture myself with work and school.

Had a huge migraine this morning. Saw a doctor who prescribe the migraine pills but also gastric pills because the former will cause gastric.
Such is the irony of life.